I don’t blog a lot about testimonies of God’s presence in my life but I just cannot not share this one today. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been very off; things were crumbling all around me and with no exaggeration when I say I could see myself spiritually tumbling down, it was like I was standing on the outside and I could see myself spiritually tumbling down and everything around me was just not right.
I knew I had to pray about it but what do you say to the BIG MAN who already knows your heart and you both know that whatever form of prayer that would have been spewed would have not been sincere or meaningful and basically a waste of both of our time, so I CHOSE not to pray.
I felt fake, I stopped doing things the right way and resulted to going back so many steps that God has helped me overcome. Bitchiness became main quality and I found myself just living, it felt like the Holy Spirit was no longer home (in me), that is the worst way to live; when you JUST LIVE. NO PURPOSE (failing to chase your God given purpose), NO GOALS, NO NOTHING!
Whilst through all of this, I carried on reading Heather Lindsey’s ‘Pink Lips and Empty Hearts’, in her book she talks about a lot of things that resonated with me from friendships, purpose, relationships status, what’s in our hearts and thoughts, the comparing game etc. with scriptures to back her points…. I would definitely recommend this book for women who are trying to build themselves up.
Anyways my routine remained mundane and I was feeling so empty but I kept waiting for the feeling of sincerity to hit me, because I knew what I had to do and all that was all left to complete the recipe of repentance was the feeling of sincerity; but it never came.
This morning, I woke up from a rather strange dream and that resonated something within me and I just couldn’t hold my prayer off any longer, the emptiness within me was simply depressing and slowly becoming self-afflicted and I was so tired of faking it even to myself and feeling sorry for my actions and not holding myself accountable.
I came across this testimony on the YT and this really touched me.
In my midst of prayer, I realise how generous and loving God really is. HE is the God that selflessly gave up his son for US so that we can have salvation if we CHOOSE to WALK in his way. The God that through all that still leaves us with the decision to live in this world and CHOOSE Him. He’s the God that will listen to you pour out your heart and relieve you of the burden, He does NOT keep a record of our faults and transgressions just to USE it later like ‘oh Hellena remember what you did last week Monday?’
Today, I feel corrected and I thank God for it.